"I'd just like you to check in with me a couple days to make sure youre okay"
…I’m not okay.
July 2012
I feel like I'm going to pass out...
I can’t stop throwing up…my nose is bleeding…I’ve never felt this kind of pain before…it hurts me so much mentally, that I’m hurting even more physically…
And what’s even worse is that this has all happened a week before my trip…I’ve been in a horrible state…I don’t…want to go to Japan like this(I don’t want to live like this)…a trip I have been saving little by little for over 5 years for…
He told me not to be afraid of him…he told me to always speak my mind…he told me to never back down…because I was doing that out of the fear that he would leave me if I said something he didn’t agree with or like…and I did…and I said those things in a bad manner…
It was on the same day where he wrote on his tumblr how he didn’t want to be at work and wanted to be cuddling me…and sending me all these texts about how he loves me, misses me, wants to be with me…and hearts and emotes and *actions* and everything…
Then I asked him about something…I said something that wasn’t right to which we didn’t agree…and within minutes time, I got spoken to in a tone that I never heard from him before in all our 3 years (would be 4 come Nov.)…
And then besides the issue with the family that I got wrongly upset about, he wanted to do something that night (and in the future) that I didn’t agree with…that he wouldn’t talk to me about first…
And then he never came home…wouldn’t tell me where he was or anything..he just told me that he needed to clear his head and to let him be…he’s always been so loving in all his texts and words to me…never like this…
..I don’t know what happened to make him be so resistant to the point where he told me later this week that he had to think about our relationship and have a break…all I want is for him to talk to me…to give me a bit of comfort and words, to help me stop worrying before I leave…then he will be free of me for 2 weeks…
…Is that so much to ask? I know I’m probably pissing him off with posting this publicly, but I SERIOUSLY don’t know what is going on…and I am looking for HELP. I’m looking for some sort of closure that he is not offering me, so that’s why I’m posting this, is because I’m wondering if anyone out there can explain this to me…help me understand the human mind and provide me with any answers to ease me a little so that I don’t end up dying…I know that may sound really extreme, but I cannot even keep even water down…I’m having nose bleeds…I’m shaking non stop…because I love him more than anything…and he told me he loved me more than anything and that he would’t leave me again…and we both said the moment we saw one another that we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives with one another…
I understand giving him space from me…but all I am asking if he would /talk/ to me about the things we have disagreements on first (or whatever I did to make him run away so hard like this) so that he can clear his head properly during our break…and for the few minutes that I had while I was talking to him at his work (since that’s the ONLY way I ended up seeing him is if I literally went in), I told him over and over I would listen to him and work/compromise with him…but he simply didn’t wan’t to see me or talk to me…
…and that’s the part I don’t understand…because I know I overstepped my boundaries with my insecurities…but I don’t understand how our disagreement on a couple things deserves this ignoring and lack of love to this extreme at me…and that’s what I am confused about and needing answers on. It’s consuming me…
And the reason why I also decided to write about this now, is because this all got so much more painful today and brought up so many more questions when I went outside and found a pair of special shorts he was making for me in a bag…they looked like that had been half done…ready to be sewed…like he was working on them at his parent’s house the night of our disagreement, but then stopped…so I’m wondering if something happened between going to his parents house and (???) that made him decide not to come home? I have no idea and it’s killing me since he won’t talk to me…
I just wish he would talk to me for a little bit and look at me one more time before I leave for Japan…that’s all I’m asking…please.
I hate waking up…I hate being…but waking up is the hardest…because for a split second, my brain forgets all that has happened…and I think I’m going to see him next to me…then it all slaps me back to reality…and all the feelings that first flowed to me when it happened come back as if it were the first time again…
And it doesn’t go away either…because this is exactly what I went through the first time I was vacated…it was the same from one day after, to days and months later…
This is…I just can’t…
Shout out to these people. If they follow you you are a lucky fucking bastard. You can post how ever much self hating suicidal depressing garbage you want and they will sit there and take it and make you feel better
I’m glad I could help some how…even though I’m not sure what I did. You are my friend, and with any friend, I will talk to them when they need it.
Thank you for listening to me, too, tonight.
I'm a pathetic, worthless piece of shit.
Turns out I wont be doing those videos for Japan, because I’ll be crying the whole time.
I hate working Saturday mornings.
Because I don’t get to lay in bed with my lovely fiance, and snuggle for a few hours.
Please…please come home to me….this was posted the very same morning of…
I wish I grew up in the 50's.
- Classy women.
- Guys being gentlemen.
- cute ass relationships.
- Racism
- Sexism
- Homophobia
- Illness
- Segregation
- Cold War
- Constant threat of nuclear war
But I mean the vintage bombshelters are sooo totally cute
It would just be better to say that there should be more of the following these days:
- Classy women.
- Guys being gentlemen.
- cute ass relationships.
And no, being a house-wife isn’t part of the cuteness.
So I haven’t been up to much lately, just a lot of daily stuff and nothing crazy out there. Last week I went to an izakaya and then Sunday I went to visit my teacher who ended up taking me to an apartment party thing. I’m sooo behind on my school work, ugh. I can’t believe I only have a month left ;A;
Well anyways, since it’s been a while since my last update I thought I would share my latest disaster. So I thought “oh I’ll try to make okonomiyaki! I need to learn for my roommates!”. Yeah… Sorry Nee-san and whoever else, I am not making it ever again.
Here is what it’s suppose to look like:
What I made?
Don’t ask me what happened, I don’t even know what voodoo magic I performed to make such a thing. I’m sure if I bought the sauce, this would have tasted a lot better than it did.
Hey future roommates, i hope you are excited to have me cook for you! :))
