I just can’t keep it in anymore. Often times I feel so much better, relieved, when I can just vent my feelings out, even if there’s absolutely no cure or solutions to the problem.
A lot of my negative mood lately has to do with cheesesteaks …
I can’t … stand it. I thought I was doing so good. I thought I was doing so well with not eating meat. I never even had a craving for it. I DON’T WANT a craving for it, because I can’t handle it. It does nothing but make me feel sick after I eat it. Like really … really … sick.
Not the, “I’m lactose intolerant, but I’m going to eat ice cream anyway and sit on the crapper for two hours ‘cuz it’s worth it,” sick, but the, “Oh god what is this unbearable pain in my whole body that has me curled up on the bathroom floor because I couldn’t make it to the toilet quick enough, so now I’m shitting my pants and laying in a puddle of my own vomit,” sick.
And I /know/ it happens. I know eating meat makes me want to drink bleach, so I actually *do* avoid it. I ACTIVELY avoid it.
I admit, I sometimes find myself thinking it smells good, but I instantly take steps to make myself not want it and to not go near it.
I wasn’t even thinking about it much at all, but recently it’s been slowly creeping into my cravings, and I am VERY unhappy with that.
And the part that makes me the most pissed off at myself, is that I THOUGHT I didn’t want it. I THOUGHT I had no desire for any type of meat dish … but fucking cheesesteaks …
I didn’t even realized I loved it, was wanting it, until I saw someone else take a sandwich.
It was like … out of no where—like a god damn car crash. The drive was all smooth, great, a beautiful day, and then a CRACK and BOOM; it starts raining horrible, and a full-on 60 car pile up happens.
And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to pull myself out of the debris of it all.
It’s getting on my nerves SO fucking much that I just can’t stop thinking about this god damn cheesesteak sandwich. I’m getting furious at myself that my brain will just not shut up at the images of other people being able to enjoy it, and I CAN’T.
I know it’s irrational to get angry about this. The situation is ridiculous on so many levels. I shouldn’t even crave something that I can’t even get to to begin with due to being stuck here. What does it matter if other people get to enjoy a fucking cheesesteak??? Good for them that they can handle it. I should be happy that they can eat something and feel content after. I mean, people need food. Everyone does.
I just … really wish I could have one … and yet I desperately wish that I wasn’t wishing I could have one. I don’t want to be in this state, because it’s ruining me eating anything else right now.
Those no use even to have “just a little”, because I already know the outcome, and it’s always the same—never good.
The kind I’m yearning for isn’t even on the healthiest side either … I mean, almost barely cooked? That’s just … even worse.
And yet here I sit, writing a fucking entry about god damn cheesesteaks, unable to get fictional scenarios out of my head of people holding them in their hands—making me angry, jealous, envious, sad, and depressed—but mostly at myself for feeling this way.
Yeah…my artwork is shit compared to the other artists are Bronycon…why did I even get in…not feeling too encouraged to continue with this.