I really wish I were normal…for all these years, I took pride in being different…in being smart…but now I realize that I’m just…insane.
I wish I could be normal so bad. I wish I could enjoy normal things. I wish I had a normal female brain. I wish that my goal in life was to have a nice family some day, some kids, a husband who would take care of me while I was a stay at home mom. I wish I wanted a nice big house in a white-fenced neighborhood.
I wish I wanted all that stuff around 30 years old, when I felt it was time to settle down. I wish now in my 20’s, I wanted to be out with my girls, living it up. I wish I wanted to hang out a bars every friday night just to chill out. I wish I wanted to go to that Halloween party, or St. Patrick Day party, and get super drunk to the point where I puke.
I wish I would enjoy a blunt every now and then. I wish I’d get so tipsy at my bff’s 21st birthday party, that I would simply laugh about not remembering who I had sex with last night.
I wish I enjoyed putting together chips and dip’s for my honey’s Superbowl party. I wish I could laugh with his friends as I sipped my corona to enjoy the week’s end.
I wish…I wish so hard this was me. I wish I had been born a different person…I wish I had been born with a different brain. I wish I had never gotten that encephalitis (not fucking herpes) that forever ruined my perception on things.
Then I would be a normal girl. Then things wouldn’t hurt so bad in life. Then I wouldn’t allow people to hurt me so bad in life. Then I wouldn’t still be crying for an ex almost 3/4 months later. Then I would be laughing with my girls who have helped me get through it, saying so cheerfully, “Life sucks, then you die. Fuck it, lets get high!”
Then maybe if I had been a normal girl. If I enjoyed going out every week with my girls. If I had a normal brain that didn’t stress me out over the stupidest shit…if I had been enthused about my honey going to bars and playing pool like normal guys do…if I had just been able to understand that that sort of thing is okay and fine. If I had just accepted his desire to make all the money to take care of me while I stayed at home and cooked…if I had just talked with a smile and felt enthusiastically about giving my mother-in-law grandchildren…then maybe I would still be with him today.
Maybe he wouldn’t have ran out on me. We would probably still be together, smiling and laughing as we drank a beer and played some Halo. We would still have a future together.
horsedrawntank replied to your post: i dont know how you’re coping aswell as you are, I’m in a relationship of 14 months and to think of someone turning out to not be who you thought after years, fuck. So sorry and hope you find whatever happiness you canthe fact tht you’re still here is you coping well dear, hope you know ppl wish you well and you’ll be ok, this too shall pass
That’s what everyone is saying…but it won’t…really….time does not heal me. Time tortures me. For me, time is like a pendulum blade. The more time that goes on, the deeper the blade falls, cutting into me more and more.
It took me 3 years to get over my last serious relationship, and even then I still bare some literal and metaphorical scares from the things she has done to me…I thought that was bad then…but this one is so much worse, because I found that I loved him (or the person he was pretending to be) so much more than her…than anyone. The literal and metaphorical cuts* I have from him are so much deeper and darker on me compared to Maria’s.
…So how many years will it take me to get over him? If ever…I’m going on 28 next year…I’m getting old (which is why I’m so upset the past 4 years have been a lie and used only as means to damage me more), and I live out in the middle of no where with nowhere to go out to since I don’t go to clubs and bars…I’m past my prime to have another relationship that wouldn’t be from a used up, beer belly, balding 35+ year old man…as those are the only type of guys that seem interested in me these days.
*Yes, it’s my own damn fault for cutting, but as I wrote before, he could have been there in the past to help me with my depression and anxieties…he could have been a better man to aide my wounds…and even though he /said/ it, the actions were different. It’s no wonder I resorted back to it when his “healing hands” were just fake if he was really thinking how irritating dealing with damaged goods is…
Yet at the same time, I haven’t cut in 4 months now,…last doing it the last time he left me and mentally abused me…but then I promised him I wouldn’t do it again, and I haven’t…and I want to be a better person than him and keep my promises to him…unlike how he can’t keep any to me…however, it’s clear he doesn’t give a shit about me at all…so why should I give a shit about what I promised to him in return? I’m just too broken and always caught under him…
Every moment of the day, I wish I was with you. I wish I could always hear that little giggle you get whenever you see something that tickles you. You complete me, balance my weakness with your strength, and love me just for me. You are meant to be loved, and that’s what I want to do for you, forever.
Reblogging this, because guess who fucking left me again after he said he wouldn’t do it! Guess who went as far as to even post about me publicly on another forum on how he is such a victim because I am SO controlling, because I did stuff like ask him to stay home with me a few times WHEN I WAS SICK instead of going out with his friends.
I’m so fucking controlling, because I had anxieties about him lying to me all the time in doing stuff that I caught him doing like smoking, and going to clubs and bars when he was suppose to be in a committed relationship.
He even went as far as to degrade my body in that fucking public forum…also adding in there, (and I copy and paste) “I was sick of having to deal with her getting depressed every time ”
Even though all these years he told me he was there for me and to help me, and that he didn’t mind comforting me through my depressions…yet secretly he was sick of it. Just another lie.
I’m really starting to think the only reason why he kept me around and acting so loving with me was because he could fuck me without a condom, and I let him do it whenever he wanted. I was always so submissive to him in everything he ever wanted.
Yet when he got his new stupid job as a sales person this past year and met these new bro-douche bag “friends”, everything changed since he became like them.
I’m such a horrible person.
Here’s a tip, Internet: NEVER date someone who grew up in theater. They know how to act, and they know how to act well. Also NEVER date a salesperson. Their job is to sell you something, and make you buy it.
Thanks for taking almost 4 years away from my life.
Thank you for always telling me your sweet nothings that ended up turning out to be nothing, because you can’t tell any truth at all.
Thank you for ruining me even more.
Thank you for breaking me more than I already was.
Thank you for only adding to my insecurities in life.
Thank you for taking away what little ability I had to trust in people.
Thank you for butchering any chance I would have at getting into another relationship again due to messing with my mind and feelings so much.
Thank you for lying to me so well, and manipulating me so well that I feel like a fucking idiot now.
Thank you for putting your friends over me.
Thank you for putting your car over me, the car my family gave you for free.
Thank you for using me for money.
Thank you for being so feeble as to allowing yourself to become just another typical bro.
Thank you for always blaming me for everything that you did wrong in your life.
Thank you for always trying to guilt me for lack of motivation, when really you are just lazy and selfish.
Thank you for stressing me out to the point where it is literally ruining my health even more.
Thank you for only liking me when I had larger breasts.
Thank you for all the nights where you stayed out late without giving me a phone call or text.
Thank you for making me have to contemplate my will to live once again.
It’s that time again when I need to get off tumblr, or else my blog is gong to become nothing but text pictures of my emotions.
…I can’t take this…
…All of that and more I had, and then one day he turns to his friends and says….
…time to put myself to sleep again…then to wake up to wish everything was a dream again, and then to be smacked by reality again…
I wish I could just stay asleep and have happier dreams than of reality.
Turns out I wont be doing those videos for Japan, because I’ll be crying the whole time.
Not sure if I want to share this…but I’ve been getting some messages from people asking to see new stuff…I’m sorry this is so generic of someone in such a state, but it was part of homework given to me for the current therapy program I’m in.
Since I’ve been having a hard time drawing, I was told to draw “what you are feeling to music.”…so this art was 80% inspired by this.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Emilie Autumn, obviously. Her music just seems to be connecting to me in a way that helps me relate, and thus feel a bit of contemptment. Because, like…that is what music is for, right?